The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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