is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
false alarm, still single
there is glitter all over my balls
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