I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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