I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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