so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
