also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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