Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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