The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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