i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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