Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
