My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
