we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
sex in a hospital.. check
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
