She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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