my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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