Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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