The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
