laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
