there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
