you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize