I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
