So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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