Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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