So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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