Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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