also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize