Cold hands, warm shart.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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