John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I love having hate sex.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
