I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
