why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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