you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Couch. On fire.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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