So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
