I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
