Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
