We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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