Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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