Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
