so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
