Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
