Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
