were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
