you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
