Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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