wrigley field is MILF paradise
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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