If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
