Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
