dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
