I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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