He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
