I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
