Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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