I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
