I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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