Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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